I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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