ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
