i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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