with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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