ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
