Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
