Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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