There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
stop calling my apartment porn island.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
