I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
