You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
