I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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