i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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