lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
