Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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