Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So many bounce houses so little time
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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