the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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