When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You pole danced in your parka.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
