If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
