The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
