You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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