allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
