I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
