I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
