In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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