Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
