just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Do you have feelings for this penis?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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