the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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