Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
