Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
