yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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