cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
