In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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