maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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