My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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