party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
How does one acquire holy water?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
