Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
