I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
