i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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