The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
