A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
