I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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