Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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