he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
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I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
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Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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