Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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