Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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