someone get that fucking seahorse.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
