3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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