I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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