He uses pillows to masturbate.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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