He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
