Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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