My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
