I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
